One Year Ago

One year ago, tomorrow, February 2nd, about 2:15 PM, my mom passed away at home, in the sewing room we sat and sewed in. The room had been changed. The sewing machine was taken out, along with the cutting table and sewing table, and ironing board. In its place, was a portable hospital bed, a small table filled with a large variety of medications, and an oxygen tank pumping out oxygen for my mom to breath. My sisters Linda, Carol, Marian, and Becky and myself were there. We had all been taking care of my mom for about 6 or 7 months, when she got really sick. She was no longer able to take care of herself, suddenly. She was 86 years young until she got sick one day. She had been sick, with pulmonary fibrosis for a while, but she didn't tell us, she just said she didn't like the doctor, and wouldn't go back. She used to drive herself to the doctor, before she got really sick. That is why we didn't know. The doctor told her on one of her visits she had pulmonary fibrous and I'm sure he described what was going to happen. After that visit, she told us she didn't like the doctor and wasn't going back to him. We didn't know anything was wrong, mom had a cough, he gave her a breathing thing, an inhaler. Mom said it didn't work very well, but she used it anyway.

So one day, she got very sick, too sick to be by herself. My sisters had taken turns having her stay with them. They live in Santa Cruz, and I was off work at the time, so I was able to go down there and help out in what ever way they needed me. Eventually, I was asked to bring mom back home to her house. It was decided we would get in home care, after I went back to work. this is more difficult than it seems, leaving your loved one with a stranger. But we did it, it was best for mom, these people were trained and knew what to do. Hospice became a part of our lives, and i don't know what we would do without them. I think they are Angels in white lab coats. I am leaving out a lot, because it is too personal for me.

On the day my mom passed, laying in that home version of a hospital bed, the hospice lady had been there. She said mom could go any time, or it could be as long as a day. Her breathing was very labored, and difficult for her. We stood around her bed and told her it was ok to let go and go to where she was going. She held on, struggling for every breath. She couldn't open her eyes, or move her head. If she needed something, she made a struggling gurgle sound, and we figured out what she needed. My brother finally was contacted, and arrived at the house. He was told what to expect when he saw our mom, and he went in to see her. They visited for maybe two or three minutes, and my mom finally let go. She waited to see her baby boy. WE all cried an couldn't believe mom had passed. It is still very strange for us.

Since that time, I have cried, and cried. I just want to talk to my mom one more time, and then one more time again. I miss her so much, it just hurts. During this past year, I have gotten so much support from the friends I have met here on 360. So many times, I would get on here and write about how much it hurt, only to have someone write back about their own experience, and tell me I would do this for a long time, and it was ok. Cry all you want. Those people, Amber, Em, Mavis, Fuzzy, and Bear, are the ones that helped me get through this. I don't know if they realize how much their friendship helped me. Later in the year, a friend who I thought was my best friend, just stopped talking to me. No one knew about this, I kept it to myself. But these friends helped me through this too. I sent them each a gift for Christmas, just what I felt I wanted to do, a way showing how much it meant to me.

I have been wondering how I was going to get through this blog. I didn't have to write this, I could have kept it to myself. This is my way of healing a little more. thank you friends.